So a 5′ 11″ scary tattoed lady like myself, who has traveled the world, lapped this country at least 15 times, been in charge of crews of 25, a semi and 2 tour busses, taught basketball to kids in a correctional institution, camped by myself in the Australian bush, surfed a hurricane swell, rode dirt bikes at high speeds…was afraid to get on The River Queen, a dinky paddle boat in Pt. Pleasant NJ. I almost did not get on. So OK, we left the babies for the first time with babysitters. No, not true, the first time with babysitters that we didn’t know, and left when our kids were awake and crying. I was definately not feeling happy about it. But I was there because it was important to Tom that I be at his Dad’s retirement party, so I forced myself on the boat. I was the last one on, and when it started to pull off the dock I said to Tom “Ive got to get off this fucking boat now!”. I tried to rationalize with myself about it: the boat cruise was only 3 hours long, the worst that can happen is that Jack & Marlowe cry until we get home, if it sunk we would only go down about 9 ft, i was among family and friends, i should just relax and enjoy it… whatever i tried to think, it didn’t help to calm me. The thing goes about 7 mph max, it winds down the Manesquan River and through the canals. It is beautiful, and everyone was having fun, open bar and all. But for the first 45 minutes I was so paniced that I put myself on the lower level and all the way up front and took deep breaths trying to calm down. I spoke to about 30 people, and I can’t recall a single thing I said or person I spoke to. I remember talking to Tom’s cousin, and having tunnel vision the whole time. I am sure she thought I was a nut case. But this I must be. It isn’t that I get sea sick, it is the idea that I am trapped on something and can’t get off if I need to. But for some crazy reason, I have no problem flying. And had no problem scuba diving, the ocean seemed like the biggest openest place I could be in, so maybe the sky does too. But this fucking paddle boat, piloted by Captain Ray who may have be pushing 90, scared the panties off of me. Yes, social anxiety had something to do with it, but I can go to a family thing and not completely fall apart. So after letting it all out in the bathroom, I rode it out at the bow until it passed. And it did pass.
“This too shall pass” is a saying my grandmother passed to my mother that was then passed to me. “Here ya go honey, you get great eyesight, brown hair and panic disorder. Good luck with that.” My father told me that he would have done so much moe in life if he didn’t suffer from “nerves”. So chances are I got it from both sides. No Clonopin for me thanks, so I try and push myself through to the other side saying “I think I can, I think I can” the whole time.
I was reading a post over at Finslippy about her anxiety attacks that happen whenever she drives on the highway. Many people wrote in and admitted that they had the same or a similar problem. I commented on how I was unable to ride the subway about 5 years ago. I had to have my face pressed up against the glass, and would work my way back up to it by going one stop and getting off, then going two, etc. over a few months. It was not easy, but I would repeat to myself that the worst that could happen was that I would have to sit and put my head between my legs and wait for it to pass. My fear of passing out was helped when I reminded myself that I never did. I was OK as long as it kept moving between stations.
I have come very far with my post traumatic stress disorder, but I know it is connected. The psyche is like a ceramic flower, if you drop it you can glue it back together, but it is never the same. (and Perhaps I shouldn’t have done that acid in my twenties either.) So I can do all kinds of stuff like normal people, but I can’t feel trapped in any way. Put me on a snowmobile, or take me skydiving, or for a ride on Lightening Loops, but god don’t put me on The River Queen!
In the end it was fun, the babysitters called at 7:30 and said both babies were asleep and that helped a lot. The sunset was beautiful, and I had a laugh listening to everyone’s stories and drunken lighthearted insults. I am glad that I forced myself to be brave. Id liike to think that we can re-program ourselves not to be afraid. And that my chemical predisposition and a few unfortunate events followed by 8 years of emotional torture, can be de-programmed, and my willpower can overcome this one station at a time.

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