*optional soundtrack: The Verve - This Time*

Today was such a bummer. We woke up, got our shit together and out the door before noon, drove an hour and a half to Tuxedo, New York to go to the Renaissance Faire, got to the gate and drove home. I have been fighting off being sick for a few days and it all came down heavy today. Major headache, hot & cold flashes and stomach problems. Tom had it a few days ago and he almost never gets sick. I took some Tylenol, and thought I could swing it. We had promised Ruby that we would take her for weeks and I didn’t want to disappoint her. But when we got there, and parked we realized that we forgot the stroller and only had one baby bjorn. After walking a good mile holding 16 lbs of squirmy Marlowe in the sun in my flip-flops while having to pee like a racehorse…we got to the gate and I raised the white flag, I was already in tears. I just couldn’t see holding babies while fighting fever and chills surrounded by a crowd of drunken disorderly and the tourists who watch them, and standing in line in the sun for the port-a-john, watching busom-spilling wenches sell their grog and pickles to computer programmers with white-white legs dressed in kilts. We will come back in two weeks when we have Ru again, and she can bring a friend and we will remember the stroller. I felt so bad, we were all looking forward to it. It is such great people watching. She is reading all of the Daughters of the Moon books now, I think she read four of them over the summer. It is the first fantasy series she has read and is really into it, so the faire is perfect for her this year. We will try again in a couple of weeks. I hate labor day weekend anyway, everyone rushes to hurry up and have a good time before school starts. On the way home we had to pull over to give Jack a burp and happened to pull into an IHOP (no need to break it down for International readers), so we decided to stay. We had so much fun and made a total scene. We laughed so hard tears come out of our eyes, mostly laughing at Jack making “whooot!” noises (we now call him Jackie Flapjack). So not all was lost.
I have missed Ruby so much this summer. And this last week together hasn’t been the easiest for her and I. She is usually so excited to be back the first day that she is bouncing off the walls. But since she has been with the other parent for the last week or so, those memories are fresh in her mind and she talks about them. I am always happy that she was safe and happy and that she feels comfortable to tell me about her experiences but it is always bitter sweet and sometimes I have to cut her off when it is just too much for me. Yesterday I was with Jack, Marlowe, Ruby and her friend by myself all day. From 5:30am until both babies were asleep at 8pm, I got 10 minutes break, whenever I asked Ruby for help I got an eyeball roll. The sleep training thing was going great, but with my exhaustion and trying to get them to sleep in the same room, we have regressed into rocking them to sleep again. I had just gotten Jack to sleep when I felt a tap on my back and she had left the door wide open. Ruby was going to ask me a question and I yelled “This better be good!” at her. After dropping her friend off at home I went into her room to talk to her about her behavior and it ended up being a 2 hour conversation about her feelings. This was the second talk like this this week.

She is feeling a lot of pressure about middle school starting in a few days. I have noticed her eye twitch returning when she talks about it. At the beginning of summer she got a cell phone and was trusted to go to the bookstore alone with her friend. She walked three blocks to her school and had lunch with her friends instead (it was an optional last few days of the school year). So for the whole summer she was not allowed to go anywhere unassisted by an adult. Apparently she has gotten in trouble quite a bit this summer, moreso than she has ever in her life and it is not usual. She feels comfortable being the good kid and pleasing everyone so this was a first for her. She also got in trouble when she switched her major to vocals from theater at the last second because a friend had, but then was mortified when she learned her friend had switched back at the last second after she had already tried out for vocals. We switched it with the school, so I am not worried, but I was disappointed to see that she was willing to give up what she wanted for acceptance and inclusion. It was a tough lesson, and she stayed in her room and close to me for the entire week following.
Both talks centered on her father and my divorce. She has spent the last few years with her feelings stuffed and pouring herself into being an uber-achiever. So in the last couple of months Hello Adolescence! has come a knockin’ and with it the flood gates of emotion have been opened. She says that she will be watching a show and just cry for no reason at something that is not so sad. She talked about her friends that have parents that are together and say they are sad and she says “that they have no idea what she has been through and she doesn’t know why they could be that sad” considering. She says that she gets very upset when she “sees people breaking up or getting divorced on TV or in movies and doesn’t understand why people around her are taking it so lightly”. Last year a boy had asked her to have pizza with him (code for an elementary school date) and she turned him down because she said she “wouldn’t be able to handle it if it didn’t work out”. And if she “ever got married, she was going to wait a long, long time to make sure that they wouldn’t just leave one day”. When her father left me she would only cry at my house. Her father said that it must be something I was doing to her. (um, no. she did because she felt safe to do so with me). In the beginning she would cry deeply every day, then a little less then a couple times a week until she stopped. While she went through her separation anxiety, she finally just shut off and stopped talking about it. But developed 2 facial ticks. So it was nice to hear her talk about it. She balled for a long time as she once used to. As tough is it was to hear her in pain, it was good that she did. I have been trying to encourage her to complain and not keep stuff in. It was her idea to set aside time every other week to talk and check in with each other. I would love that. Divorce hits kids so hard, I am not surprised it has taken this long to come to the surface. She has been amazing and strong, but I want to try and get her to understand that stuffing your feelings isn’t being strong…feeling them and talking about them takes strength. At one point I had stuffed my feelings and was just a workaholic to avoid dealing with them until they came out in a waterfall as if the spring had sprung. I was with Ruby’s dad at the time, and he told me I was weak for this. In fact it was him who was weak as my emotions scared the crap out of him. So needless to say I am worried for Ruby and how her father will deal with her having strong emotions. I always got a good kick while I was down. So as Ruby gets bigger and he feels less in power, I am afraid for her. I thought this time would be coming a little later, but it is here like it or not.
Its tough when the last few days of vacation are so heavy and emotional. But maybe this was the best thing that could have happened. I told Ruby “your father and I are united in the fact that we love you very much, and that we want you to be a kind person who is honest and does the best you can.” while gesturing to the empty space beside me. I am raising her with Tom, but I feel that it is hard enough having two parents let alone four, so I am the boss here, and Tom follows through with my lead in parenting her. When I am not around, he would say something like “Well your Mom says that she wants you in bed by 9…”. Co-parenting with someone you do not communicate well with (we meet with a third party mediator to make all decisions), and have different views (do not respect as a parent) with is very difficult. But not nearly as difficult as it is for Ruby. I feel for her, and am amazed by her. It is going to be an amazing year. Someone recommended that I get the book “Queen Bees & Wanna Bees”, I can use all the help I can get.
Ruby is also an amazing writer and started her blog today, I hope she sticks with it and hopefully it will be a healthy outlet for her as this blog has been for me.
Sorry for the looong post. So much to say on this subject.

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