“All things being equal.” This is a statement I hear here and there, I guess it means a level playing field. I don’t think that one really exists, or not often. I have twins and rarely if ever call them twins. I call them by their first name or nick names. Sometimes I will say “the babies” but I don’t ever say “I went to the park today with the twins.” I guess I don’t feel that one is an extension of the other, and they do not make up a whole. There is so much pressure as a parent to keep things equal for your children. And having two the same age, it is easier to compare and make sure it is equal quality of life and opportunity all the time. So I began to think about this and wondered why this had to be so. Do they both need to eat the same food? …need to take the same amount of stroller rides to the park? …get the same amount of kisses? …time in the bathtub? …time held? …the same amount of attention?
The pull to equalize is strong. Getting Jack & Marlowe on a schedule was the key to my sanity. One of us was always tired and strung out. But because they are both such different kids, keeping them on a schedule is often a struggle in itself. One is an early riser, and the other a late night baby. One naps for 20 minutes max, the other a long deep sleeper. So we modify here and there trying to keep each baby on their schedule which more than not overlaps the other, but sometimes runs behind or in front of the other depending on the time of day. When we found out that we were having twins, we were very glad that they weren’t identical and that they were a boy and a girl. I only thought so because I figured we would be less likely to compare the two if them. But I think now that this is the case identical or not. Identical babies can be developmentally different and have different personalities just as fraternal twins do. They are who they are, and who they are and what makes them up is a lot more than just their looks. When you have twins, you can’t go more than five feet without someone making a coment that compares them. Everyone says that our babies look alike. I look at them and smile and think “…well sure, I guess if you compared them to an Eskimo baby or something…” But perhaps to the stranger they do look alike. Maybe it is because I spend so much time comparing them to each other. I dunno’ they seem like completely different children to me.
In New York some people are advocating for a “twins law” wherein the parent can choose weather to separate twins into different classrooms or not. I am not sure what I would choose, it depends on the school and how they are doing with separation. But I would want to have the choice. I would want them to have an equally good education however, but it would be impossible to duplicate whatever one child has, even if they are in the same classroom as they may learn differently, have different friends and have behavior reacted to differently then the other. This goes for their behavior at home too. If one baby does something cute, that baby should get the reaction and reward, not both just to equalize it. If that is the case, they would learn: why bother making the effort if I am just going to get the attention and reward anyway? They should learn that their actions and inactions have consequences.
Recently I was upset with my Mother about not making an effort to see my children as much as she does for my sister’s child. I opened my mouth and a full luggage set of baggage came flying out of my mouth. “Erica was bought a car and I was not, she was bought a horse and you gave my dog away, you paid for her college education but wouldn’t co-sign a loan for me, (yeah, I moved out like um 23 years ago?!) you spend twice a week with her child and come see mine a few times a year.” But my Mother said simply “Well you are different people”. And it got me thinking that this was true. It didn’t have to be equal. Why have resentment about something that I felt I was entitled to because someone else got something that I didn’t? I was looking for equality, when I should have been looking for “fair”. Weather it is/was or isn’t/was’nt is up for debate, but I want to approach it differently now.
Why is it that we need to equalize everything? One chocolate fudge sundae = 1 hr on the Stairmaster, one favor from a parent = 1 phone call of unlimited parental advice, 40 hours of work = 20 hours of R & R, one back scratched = another back scratched, a(b + c) = ab x ac, thirty thousand pork bellies = ten bars of gold, a bird in the bush = two in the hand, 10 blasphemous slurs = 20 Hail Mary’s, pain = gain, guts = glory, love = happiness….yada - yada. We all strive for balance, we are driven to remain upright and equaled. In the women’s rights movement, we wanted to have equal opportunities and have our vote count equal to a man’s vote even though we know there are and will always be so many differences. In human rights, we protest for equality, but we haven’t even gotten to “fair” there let alone equal for all humans. Equality on that level seems like such an impossible puzzle. But is the most worthy fight.
I spent 4.5 years in a custody battle where unless you were showing the court that you wanted parental equality, you were looked at as being the trouble-maker and not cooperating with the system, and keeping your case on someone’s desk longer. Forty eight pages of a joint custody agreement later, equality is not what I have, I have protection over what is important to me and that is as close as I could get. We parent differently, sometimes jointly, more often parallel, but not equally. Even Tom and I parent Jack and Marlowe differently sometimes. Our kids will be given whatever opportunity we can swing, but a lot of it will depend on them and who they are as people. We will love both unconditionally for sure, which by its nature will help us parent fairly.
Well I am going to live on the edge and disrupt the balancing babies idea (unless we become an acrobatic troupe) and not be afraid to react and act differently with them. Then maybe ill keep out there on a limb and eat a brownie and skip the leg lifts, squats and crunches (gahd I hate that word), and then ill go to confession but have no sins to report, then ill give a penny at the cafe counter’s give a penny-take a penny jar and leave it at that, and then ill kiss one baby and give the other one a banana, and then wear mismatched socks while I keep my checkbook in the red.

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