A few days ago my husband turned 31. I had forgotten how young he was, he is such an old soul sometimes and a kid some others. I am amazed at how he can pull both of them off. Last night he played with his new x-box for an our after the babies went to sleep. His friends from work play it and when they heard he had opened his present, he got a text on where to meet on-line to play each other. An hour before he sung some Frank Sinatra softly to Marlowe while rocking her to sleep.

When I first met Tom we both were in pretty bad places, we both spent a lot of time at the bar nursing some wounds and were not being very kind to ourselves. One would have thought that we would have brought each other down, but we did the opposite. We ended up being healthy for each other and 5 years later it feels like a lifetime ago when we were at that low - low place. When I met Tom (at a bar) I told him that I frequented the place often. He showed up every day for three weeks before abandoning hope that he would see me again. On his way out that day I saw him and said hello and we made plans to meet for a drink again. Another week went by and I met him and we talked and talked. I felt that I had so much to tell him as if I had been waiting to meet him all my life and had to catch him up on everything, we shared a common interest of music and we both had so much we wanted to play for each other. I told him that I had a daughter and he didn’t flinch, he just smiled and said “wow, tell me about her.” We spent that night listening to records until the sun came up. I left for Australia the next day and 3 weeks later we arranged to meet again. He was working on the pilot boat which meant he slept on a boat 12 miles out to sea for a week and was returning that night. There was a blizzard expected and my plane landed just as it hit New York. Tom circled the neighborhood looking for parking and eventually drove his car into a huge snowdrift so as not to be late for our date. And from that day forward we never wanted to be apart. I didn’t believe he was serious about me, he was 25 after all and I was nearly 8 years older, divorcing, with a kid who just turned 7, I was working at a job that would take me nowhere, and I had a good amount of debit. This young gorgeous rockabilly lad from a good Irish Catholic home must just be playing around. And I figured that he wouldn’t be around long. But he would not leave. It took me a long time to be convinced that he was completely serious. Introducing him to Ruby was a big step for me. I felt that she would fall for him like I did, and knew that if he broke my heart, he would break hers too. I got a feeling from Tom that he was an incredibly kind soul and was someone who was genuine and generous and I would be out of my mind if I did not take a chance on him.

At the beginning of our relationship he was an apprentice harbor pilot (navigates ships in and out of the NY port, he actually drives the ships, not drives a tug) and lived out on the pilot boat (kind of like a floating traffic control/hotel) for a week every three weeks. Most relationships would have ended there but I took that time to be alone and mourn the loss of half of my daughters childhood (does that ever get easier?), and the loss of a family I had tried for many years to keep together. Many of my friends suggested that I take time to be alone and heal, but because I was not willing to give up Tom, the time he was away was dedicated to this. It is impossible to feel all of the pain associated with loss and open your heart up and begin to trust again at the same time so it was important to allow myself time for both. But unfortunately it isn’t something you can really schedule and there was much overlap of feelings. Tom stayed with me night after night while I cried and cried. Most men would have run like the wind, taken the first bus out of there. But he stayed. In time, it got easier and more time was spent getting closer and creating our own memories. Tom put a deposit down on an engagement ring and the jeweler got to know him well as he would stop in and put down $20, $30, $40 at a time. He proposed with tears saying that he would be honored. I didn’t have to think twice.

Tom stuck with me through 4.5 years of a grueling battle in the court with Ruby’s father. He came with me to court all but one time when he had to work. We were engaged for 3+ years and still the wedding was delayed because of the seemingly endless court process. But with every delay and roadblock, Tom would tell me that he knew I was doing the right thing and that Ruby came first and that he believed in me. I would not have made it through without him. He was my rock through it all and would always have a way of bringing me back to focus on where I wanted to go whenever I got overwhelmed with it all. When we were finally able to get married last July, we had 4 month old twins. We had fun planning a wedding and the day couldn’t have been better. We were married outside overlooking the water at the Alice Austen House in staten Island, it was a beautiful but hot day. He was so happy and when he read the vows he lost it and cried, we were so happy to be able to celebrate with our friends and family. He looked so handsome in his suit and pink shirt. It was so amazing to see him get so excited about it and be so happy. If friends are a reflection on you, he has the most amazingly lovely friends. He welled up with tears as Ruby sang at the wedding, it was so important to him that she didn’t feel left behind in any way. We had written her into the vows and had given her a necklace as a token of our promise to always be good to her. When I danced with my father he told me not to ever let this one go. I told him not to worry, that I wouldn’t.

Through the pregnancy and birth of our twins Jack and Marlowe he was an amazingly supportive partner and its no surprise he turned out to be an amazing father. He was so understanding and loving and I felt safe feeling so vulnerable and he let it be OK to ask for help…something I don’t do too easily. At their birth he spoke to the doctor and nurses and was my voice, intuitively knowing what I wanted and what I needed to have happen. Watching him hold his newborn children will always be a favorite image in my mind. He has handled fatherhood with such grace and is natural at it. Through the blur of the first months and into the window of their personalities opening in the third month he spent many sleepless nights rocking and shushing his son and daughter. As they grew bigger and began to react his face would light up with every little new thing they did. He was so proud of them and filled with so much love for them it was beautiful to see him with them. At 2 months old he took Marlowe to Easter Mass by himself, Marlowe with her little Easter hat on strapped to his chest with his coat wrapped around her. As the babies are fast approaching toddler-hood, he runs around the house with them making them laugh, chasing the dog, chasing and tickling, kisses on the chins. He pushes them around in their ride-on toys and stacks blocks for them to topple. He set up the train set under the Christmas tree and sat with Jack on his lap while he blew the trains horn and encouraged him to say “choo-choo” (Jack calls it a “chuh”), I couldn’t tell who was more excited.

One thing that made me fall in love with Tom most of all was how he became Ruby’s step-father. He never assumed the role, and was never handed it either. Over time, he consistently chose to put what was best for her first…so he earned it you could say. His relationship with her developed over time naturally by him being fair and honest and respecting her parent’s role and understanding his. He showed Ruby what it was to be a person who is good to others and he set an example of a man who is kind and very loving to his wife, and one who wholeheartedly loves his family. I hope Ruby will choose to be with someone such as Tom someday, someone who treats her well and with love and respect and she does not ever settle for anything less. Tom has a fun side to him and they can act like friends and be goofy and immature together, but Tom is always clear about how rudeness and inconsideration is not tolerated and she knows that good behavior is expected of her. Tom follows my lead on parenting her, we talk about the big issues together privately as everything ultimately effects him also. Tom and I both agree that it is hard enough having 2 parents let alone 4 so we try and keep it simple for her this way. When we used to walk Ruby to school in the morning, Tom would always get out of bed and get dressed and walk with us, no matter what time he got home from work the night before or early morning. He wanted to be a part of it and show her that she was important. He has been helping her with some extra math tutoring lately, he is so patient and will explain in a way that is respectful of her intelligence.

Tom is really good at his job too, he is fun and funny but he will be professional when he is working. Not many people have a natural ability to do what he does and he is lucky that he loves it. Outside of his career (other than collecting expensive rockabilly records) he is into playing his guitar, he just started playing so its simple rockabilly melodies and some T-rex for now. He lets the babies strum the strings and he plays and sings to them while they play quietly. He loves to do some surf fishing too although this year was not happening because our hands were full. I love that he finds it calming and almost meditative to sit and wait by the ocean. He loves the rush you get too when the line jerks. He brings home one fish a year to eat, and even that one he apologizes to. He hopes to learn to fly fish someday, I can see him when he is an old man in his waiters fishing with his son. Tom is an amazing story teller and is someone who collects people in a way, he collects interesting characters in his head and can often paint a perfect character of them using story, mannerisms and imitating their voice. He tends to like the more interesting characters and if I were to meet him at a bar, I would find him at a table talking to the couple who flew planes in WWII, instead of the hipster at the bar. He is a total prankster too and his friend Jim and him play tricks on each other all the time, they are brutal sometimes. They really need their own TV show those two. Most important to Tom are his friends and family. He talks to his parents all the time, he wants them to be happy and does whatever he can to stay close with them. I was amazed by this when I met him, I had never met a man who treated his parents with such respect.

Tom is someone I look at every day and am amazed that he is in my life. People see us with our babies and we will be kissing and they look astonished. We are in love. And I don’t think I have ever really been so before in my life. I don’t talk a lot about my relationship with him on this blog, the details I don’t want to share. Our relationship is ours and ours alone so these things we hold sacred and to ourselves. I will say generally that I am not the worlds easiest person to be with. I am sensitive on one hand and can be intense on the other. But somehow we work together and hey…everyone has issues. Really, everyone does. He tells me he loves me every day and encourages me to go after my dreams, I am never made to feel stupid for them, and if I try something and decide its not for me, he never has anything negative to say about it. Tom’s dreams involve the happiness and security of his family. I hope that I can help him reach his goals in any way I possibly can. He is someone who deserves all the good things in the universe to come his way. Oh, and he is the most gorgeous, sensual, romantic and sexy man I have ever known. Can’t beat that. When I married Tom my friend Stephanie and my friend Jayne both mentioned that Tom was a gift to me from the universe for all of the shit I had been through. I don’t believe in that, I don’t think you get repaid for any suffering, you can’t cash in your tears. But I do think that if you are a good person and kind to others this energy gets sent back to you. Id like to think that Tom arriving in my life was a mutual positive attraction. We both said that we saw the good in each other.

So I am not all accolades, I do have some complaints. For starters, he does tend to eat 5 out of the 8 slices of a pizza, and he does tend to eat foods such as hot peppers and things with a lot of garlic. And in our beater car that he takes to work, he has a pile of coffee cups and garbage in the back-seat that would make Oscar jealous. He also laughs at his own jokes, guffaws sometimes even. And tends to tell the same goofy (often gross) jokes to the point of predictability. We will also have to forgive him for getting into watching Survivorman, and singing loudly in the shower. But we love him for it, all of it really.

Tom is at work tonight and will get home tomorrow at about 7am. He will spend another sleepless day playing with his kids…Ruby included, forgoing sleep so as not to miss anything. Maybe we will let him nap a little. Ruby is sleeping next to me tonight, she has already fallen asleep. She has been sticking close and asking to do this lately. Middle School is tough and we all need some time to be mommied…even us adults. She made him a birthday card using colored pencil, crayon, marker and watercolors, he will keep that forever I am sure. When Tom gets home he will be wearing his giant float coat and suit and tie underneath…smelling like boat fuel and the sea. And we will be happy to see him. As we are so very lucky to have him.

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