- Being a Mother of a pre-teen isn’t always easy. You have to be the Mom standing there with one hand on your hip, angry again at the messy room and the ignored requests to keep it clean. Tonight I talked to Ruby and made her cry. I hate to do this, I really hate it more than I hate a lot of things. She is such a sweet kid, and works really hard. But I have found that enough is enough with this and this has to change and ultimately I had to threaten with consequences. Ruby wants to go on a trip in March that costs a lot of money (um, like try over $1,300) and there are 2 other trips in the spring, both over $200 that she wants to go on as well. Yes, its Park Slope so everyone assumes parents have money for this stuff. So, I am making Ruby pay for $150 of it…no, I am not. I am making her earn this. Hence the big bad Mom hat I am wearing. Yes, I am ruining her life! She is with me every-other week which makes continuity very tough. But I have spelled it all out in calendar form and she has to have things done on the list WITHOUT EVER BEING ASKED or she does not get her weekly allowance (or every-other week as the case may be). If she does everything required she will still be $60 short what she needs to go on her trip and to have me write a check for my percentage (thank you Judge Krause) of the rest. She can not use any savings or lunch money or gifts from relatives, she has to earn it and there is a list of possible chores and what they are worth for her to see what she can do to get her there. It gets even meaner: her Saturday room clean must be before everything: TV, phone, computer, play dates (why do we still call them that, she is almost 12?). And meaner still: if one week everything is not done, I get her iPod, if two weeks, I get her TV, third week I get her laptop and 4th week I get her cell phone whenever she is not at school or somewhere I may need to reach her….and I told her that I could think of all kinds of other things to take away but it should never get to that point hopefully. Now Ruby is a great kid, she is so smart and works really hard on her extra curricular stuff and her school work and this year is really demanding. And I know that she needs some down-time. But I am hoping that this will actually reduce stress. Ruby and I usually but heads every weekend with me getting more and more frustrated that she isn’t cleaning her room, and she will try and negotiate out of it or do a half-ass job and whine the whole time. I always am yelling on Sunday night and pissed that our limited time together is filled with conflict. This way, she knows what is expected and already knows the consequences of not doing them, no discussion required. She has a lot of school work yes, but I think that a cleaner room and more organized life will help her feel a bit more on top of things and hopefully she will feel better having more responsibility. I have two other new rules too 1. I do not wake her up for school anymore. It is a battle to get her out of bed. Now she has to wake up by her alarm, if she chooses to sleep in, I won’t wake her. 2. I also do not leave the house to drive her to school unless she has had a good breakfast. Being late stresses her out a lot (her school gives lunchtime detention) so the motivation is obvious there. Ruby cried and felt like she was being punished, but I am hoping this one harsh sit-down will be less stress in the long run. And hopefully will allow her more down-time, or at least not swimming in the mess of her room. I am always for the “you are her Mother not her friend” school of thought, but it can be rough when you just want to hug her and tell her she is wonderful. Ill make sure to make time for that tomorrow.

- Marlowe has been scratching, swatting and hitting Jack like crazy. The poor guy pushed back a couple of times but he usually cries. He has scratch marks on his neck and both sides of his face. It is difficult because they are just beginning to understand words, so “gentle” is the one we have been saying and demonstrating mostly these days. She is competitive with her brother and will do this when he is in her way, or if she is jealous of him. I was sticking her in her crib for a short time-out but we have been working on the sleep training thing (yes, again, we fell back into the rocking habit) but didn’t want to confuse things. So now I have been telling her that no one wants to play with her when she hits, and I turn her around facing away from us, and Jack and I go play somewhere else, usually in the same room. Usually she cries and crawls over and I have her pet Jacks head and I say “gentle” and “sorry”. If she is belligerent and keeps attacking him, I put her faced away from the door in her room and walk with Jack completely away and into the other room and ignore her for about a minute. Shunning, it is harsh but it works most of the time. It must be so hard to be so little and not have words. I am hoping to give her a sense that he is not a threat to her. It is tough to give equal attention to both kids, I am not for that anyway, they are different people. But I try and reward her for good behavior as much as possible. She reminds me of myself a lot. She has a fighting spirit and dare I say “some major anger issues” as I had as a kid. But for some reason (I know the science thanks) she is my daughter and hopefully I can help her live with it and direct it somewhere positive. Many people along the way in my life felt threatened by it and did what they could to maintain control and squash my spirit. She is going to be tough, time to dust off my Raising a Spirited Child book I bought when Ruby was little. All the emotion is OK, but she is going to have to be taught to be kind to her brother. Jack is pretty mellow thankfully. I think as he gets bigger, and he already is bigger than her…he will just push her back. I am sure he will be protective of her though anyway. Maybe I can teach them a sign before they have the words to say “stop” or “don’t touch”. I shake my head No at Marlowe and she just looks serious and shakes hers back at me. Ill have to do some research here.

-Last night I was at the laundromat doing a ton of laundry until 12am. Strangely enough I enjoy this, it is me time. I read a bunch of the book I am reading now The Last Samurai (pssst, its not about a Samurai). There are 5 TV’s playing some Spanish language channel and I don’t know Spanish so I don’t pay much attention usually. But one station was on mute but showed the close captions in English. The show “Super Nanny” was on. I don’t watch much TV, so I am always amazed by how completely mind numbing it is whenever I see it. I have seen this show a few times, and honestly I have learned from it myself, but MAN, did I want to fly to Vermont or New Hampshire or wherever these parents in the family featured lived and kick them in the arse. I am so glad a show is on like this, staged or not. The parents are always surprised that they are part of the problem, every time…do you not watch the show before deciding to be on it? There should be more shows like this on parenting. Yes, it is sooo hard this parenting thing sometimes. But sometimes, people are just fucking idiots. There is one of my better quotes right there. No really. What are people thinking sometimes? I know it is hard to see something when you are in it, but surely there are obvious things. Like why aren’t my internet-schooled teenagers getting good grades when their computer is in the middle of the family room with the younger kids running around and they have no other social interaction other than each other? Hmmm? I would like that job, driving around in a black London cab pointing out things people are doing that are messing up their kids. I am sure I could use some perspective too (y’mean its not OK to let my teenager have chocolate milk and Coco Crispies for breakfast every day?), and I am sure these twins will make me eat my words here. But I am amazed that there are not more shows like this. No, I am amazed that there are not mandatory parenting classes. For one of the supposed hardest jobs on earth..why are we so alone in it and winging it all the time? We are raising human beings to be good human beings..thats pretty important stuff and should not be left to our best guess right?

- Holy crap this sounds like a Mommy-blog.

-Someone is sitting outside my house blasting some classical harpsichord. Toto, were not in Jersey anymore! No really, since I live on the fringe of a working class Irish and Italian neighborhood being slowly taken over by yuppies it is the Subaru with the NPR sticker on it parked next to the Mercury with the Mets sticker on it. We should have battles. Like a DJ battle or break-dance battle for the turf. One yuppie can blast harpsichord or some Renee Montaine and Steve Inskeep… and the other guys can blast some Bon Jovi, or trance or the Mets game. Marys on the half-shell, hair jell, Maclaren strollers and lattes lobbed across the streets. It’ll be a bloodbath.

-A caucus, however money-making as it is to a city, could never happen in Brooklyn. Now THAT might get some good reality TV ratings however. First of all, it is the old system designed for places that had, well thousands less people. These few people could meander over to the other candidate’s supporters and have a nice discussion about opposing views. Could you imagine this in Brooklyn? If anyone has ever attended a PTA meeting at any of the schools in Park SLope, this would be that times ten. Add in the feel of an MTA transit strike meeting, mixed with the friendliness of a Saturday shopping at the downtown Brooklyn Target, and throw in a little Brooklyn Division of Motor Vehicles in there and I am sure I am not even close to the warmth and gleeful feeling you would get while in attendance. We could hold it at the new sports center being built in the center of town. Driving there would be impossible since they are sticking it in a place already unable to handle the traffic, so we could take public transport. We could be corralled onto the floor of the basketball court and wear out Uncle Sam hats and wave our little pendants supporting our candidates. Then, the riot police would need to be called in with horses and hoses to control the situation. But maybe I am wrong, thanks to the Gulliani (Mayoral) administration we are much more accepting and familiarized with living in a police state. Looking back the Democratic National Convention at Madison Square Garden, only a wee little bit of pepper was needed in the eyes. I just don’t see the masses of New Yorkers being able to tolerate being challenged by opposing views. This city can be accepting and tolerant of characters, opinions, lifestyles & cultures like nowhere else in the world. But as long as you keep it to yourself. We are passionate but stubborn people us New Yorkers and I can’t imagine there would be much winning over.

-Holy crap, this sounds like a Brooklyn-blog.

…so, here is a Brooklyn/Mommy photo… Marlowe and I grabbing “a slice” as we say here.

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