play nice

Today Marlowe smacked Jack on the head after he took her toy. This happens often and lately we have been doing time-outs for a minute and then showing how to be gentle. This is our job as parents. To show our children the way to be good to others right? In our home Tom and I are good to each other with the understanding that everything we do affects our children and we can not be careless with that responsibility. Even on a beautiful day at the playground you can witness many children learning the lessons the hard way and it makes you cringe and wish that they would just comprehend the bigger picture sooner. I watch this sometimes in Jack and Marlowe and wish that I could shield them from all of the bumps and bruises they will have to endure to somehow get to a place where they can be….what? Good people. Yes, thats it. I want my kids to be good people. Never mind being functional members of society or have acceptable behavior so they can excel socially and professionally. What I want and expect most in my children is that they are each good people. What this is exactly I can not put my finger on. I guess a combination of being polite, nice, kind and unselfish, honest and trustworthy and not harmful and ignorant and deceptive, greedy and rude.

My Mother told me that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. This wasn’t her instilling feminist views in me at a young age, nor was it her telling me that I was talented at everything. It was some strange notion that everything just worked out great and that I was going to walk into the sunset. It was a harsh taste of reality when I learned that I really didn’t have the opportunity to do whatever I wanted. Outside of any cultural glass ceilings, my parents claimed me as a dependent on their taxes long after I had moved out and wouldn’t co-sign a student loan for me so I was off to work. I did excel and often but often the only choice I had was to do what I had to do to survive. My older daughter is someone who excels at many things. She gets great grades and is talented in dance, theater, art, writing, and on and on. She probably could get to wherever she wants to go. But I am not going to say that to her. Not in the way my Mother did. I am going to remind her of her strengths, encourage her to try and give her as much support as possible with whatever path or paths she chooses. But I will be honest with her about the realities of those paths. I tell her that I don’t care what she is as long as she is happy, and that the only thing I expect out of her is to be a good & kind person.

But lately it has been hard for her and myself to keep the faith. Middle school is brutal and she has recently been begging not to go and says that “people are mean” as one of the reasons why she hates it. Living in the city with so many diverse cultures and economic classes means that you are exposed to many different definitions of how to behave appropriately to others. Parents pass on to their kids this way of looking at others and treating others through the way they treat the child and their own outward behavior to the world. Subtle things get through to kids such as watching their parents sense of entitlement to space, sound, money, attention, and respect to how they compare that to the entitlements of others. I suppose I think I am a good role model. I try and be polite and kind to people as much as I can. Even after a life where I have been burned for it many times, I don’t let that change what I feel is the right thing to do. I take this very seriously sometimes in that if someone acts rudely or selfishly and it effects me I let them know loud and clear. I have been known to say things to total strangers about it in a loud voice. Such as not too long ago in the supermarket.

Ruby understands that she gets in trouble for: being rude, being disrespectful, or being deceitful and manipulative. Being hurtful hasn’t come into it, she is not built that way. I have a great kid and she doesn’t get in trouble much but I make sure she knows where the line is and knows I expect her to behave with it in mind. This is really hard to do when she watches kids get away with being horrible to each other. Within middle school social structure (especially with girls) there is always a shift in power. Almost daily. But when someone abuses that power it becomes very hurtful and there is shunning and abusiveness that can get out of control. Thankfully I have a kid who talks to me. And from what I am hearing, she is a lot like me and just does not understand how some people can be so mean. I am 38 years old and I still have no idea.

I have been fortunate to have friends in my life who I trust with everything. I tell them about my worst fears, insecurities and fuck-ups and I never question if they will use these things against me. I have felt that the fact that I have such good people as friends is a testament to the fact that I am also a good person. Although I am the type of friend who will be honest with you and tell you when you are wrong and not everyone can handle that. Like my friend Josh said “Over time, you realize that it’s important to have, not just friends who are there to support you, but friends who aren’t afraid to stand up to you when you’re wrong.” I know I have pushed a few friendships to the edge with my brutal honesty. It is my best and worst trait. In fact I get really mad at people who I feel let me down. This almost never happens because the people that I have as my close friends have read the terms and conditions a long time ago and it never comes up and is never an issue. I suppose I am the type of person who has expectations on people. I expect them to keep promises and do what they say they are going to do and be kind. Which makes you think …What am I the good person police? I suppose maybe I might be. I may sound a little righteous maybe, but don’t get me wrong. I have made p-lenty of mistakes. But I expect my friends to point them out to me. And people who are my real friends know that I have a big heart and know that my honesty is with good intention.

I guess at this age I also felt that I had cleared the crappy friends out of my life. But strangely enough this week I had a falling out with an old friend. It was actually the finalization of a falling out that happened last year. I had asked someone to be there for me for something that was really important to me and they let me down. It turned out that they really weren’t the friend I thought they were and didn’t like these expectations (kindness, honesty, being there when needed) of mine on them. So I got an e-mail that basically said that we were no longer friends. Which makes you think… “What grade are we in?” I just would never do that to someone. Even if someone I knew cared about me more than I did them, I would never ever say anything. I think that this person couldn’t deal with my expectations and she got “called on her shit” as they say… and didn’t like that. I know it is their loss, but for a second there it made me want to call all of my friends up and ask them if they were really my friends. (I didn’t do it though.) I honestly don’t know what is going on in this woman’s life and for whatever reason my kind of honesty is something that doesn’t work for her right now. Its a shame but I am glad I know. “Some people just suck” as my husband put it, and for lack of a more direct way to explain it, he is right. Luckily I am blessed with many real friends who are really great people that are always there for me and know that it is likewise. And any effort and energy spent on the friendship does not have to meet a quota or be matched by the other.

Loosing a friend or someone you thought was your friend can be painful. For me, it just made me doubt my ability to see what was so obvious. And made me mad that I had put trust and faith in a person undeserving again. It has also made me think more about how people get away with being unkind in this world. Many, many people live every day with themselves as top agenda and everyone below them is stepped on if not serving that same agenda. I could never ever live like that. Also it would be insanely frustrating to see the people who had done wrong and acted abusively get away with it again and again. I take comfort in knowing that even though it may seem like they do, they don’t really get away with it. They have to live every day being slimy or miserable and that is punishment enough.

But it is hard to explain that to a 12 year old who is expected to act one way and live amongst another. Ruby is a kind soul and I have raised her well and I think she will pull through. She is so much like me. Sensitive on the inside and always shocked when people are mean. In this tiny amount of time I have to raise her (with one hand tied behind my back), I hope to be able to give her the tools to figure out who is a healthy person to have near you and put ones trust in and who is someone that is toxic and only takes. And I hope she will watch and see real rewards for being kind and being a good person who doesn’t cause harm intentionally. And that even though you trust and are good to people and get disappointed sometimes, there is no other way to be. And put in simple terms: That it is worse to be the person who has to live as a bad person than it is to be hurt or let down as a good person. The same with my two little ones, although it would seem that I have a better shot [at teaching that] with them since I have them full time and know now what I wish I knew then.

For Jack and Marlowe they will have to learn to be kind and play nice because they are always together (and one gets a time-out). And although I am not for treating both of them the same just because they are twins, I am for giving them an equal amount of love and support and expectation to be good and kind people.

I on the other hand need to not have such high expectations of people before I really get to know them and should be more careful where I put my trust. Maybe I am the one who is learning a hard lesson at the playground.