I haven’t blogged at all this week. My head is in a writing project that has been all-consuming. I am not complaining though, I really enjoy writing and I think of it like a puzzle, each little piece coming together at a time. I do suffer from not-posting guilt which I am sure many other bloggers do. I forgive myself for not being super human and do what I can. I love to write and have been known to stand up and celebrate when something comes together. But I like blogging too, and have at least given myself some time to check in on some of my favorite other writers out there.
I have never considered myself a writer before, I think that I was never in a place where I felt I could be open with that side of myself. Now, even with people I don’t trust on the periphery of my life, I don’t care anymore what they say and feel happy not to have their voices have any weight anymore. Stifling ones spirit for pleasure is a pathetic thing. Anyway, I have come a long way from that hell and am finally enjoying being creative again. That predator has been de-clawed.
Last week I went to a meeting at my daughters school given by the head of the cyber crimes unit in Brooklyn. Well, I was one of a handful of parents who showed up which seemed sad considering the amount of parents it had been advertised to (in the thousands). The presentation was on “Internet Safety”. It was interesting to see what videos and statistics they chose to show the kids that week. But they didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. I didn’t gain much confidence in the Chief of Police either who even with 8 years as head of the cyber crimes unit “didn’t know much about how IM worked”. He mentioned blogging and said that when he was a kid, a journal was good enough, and he didn’t understand why people would put their thoughts on the internet. This seemed a little old fashioned to me. Blogging is now a powerful marketing tool and an extremely popular way to exchange ideas, news and opinions. It isn’t going to go away and will only get to be more popular, especially since there are ways to earn money from blogging. It really isn’t going to help him much in his job if he just scratches his head about it.
Posting your thoughts and ideas on the web for family, friends and total strangers to see does seem like a strange thing at first and I think people do it for many different reasons. A blogger must have his or her own boundaries too: are you comfortable using real names?, are you comfortable posting photos?, are you comfortable speaking out against a topic or person? I know that for me, I have gone back and forth. At one point I considered not posting any photos of my kids. Then I thought about using nicknames. There were a few reports out there of sites stealing photos (babble.com) from flicker. And other bloggers reporting unauthorized use of their photos (rockstarmommy.com and sweetjuniper.com). And the ugly legal battles that followed. I know that someone using photos of my kids at all crosses a line for me, so why would I put it out there? I think that I am still undecided about this. And like many, many, many bloggers who do (and these bloggers get WAY more traffic than I do) wrestle with this question too. It seems a little naive to think that everyone out there has only the upmost respect for your personal info and would never take a photo without permission much less use it in a cruel and disgusting way. They are out there, many, many, many predators. And now that I have a teenage daughter, I need to be very careful with the info I share about her. Not that my little ones are less important, just less vulnerable.
It seems that with my history, I would not go near the idea of revealing anything personal. Or making myself be “found” by certain people. As a 6th grader. I helped the local police find and convict a man who was calling girls and getting them to speak dirty to him on the phone. He gained their trust and got more names and numbers out of them. I was always afraid that he would come to kill us one day as he promised he would… As a teenager, I was preyed on sexually by my brother-in law…And from when I was 14 for 9 years, a man would call me at various places every few weeks just to let me know he was watching me. I never found out who he was for sure, but I am pretty sure he revealed himself in the end. A huge guy in military fatigues followed me to the corner store, waited out front and stared at me while inside, was a pretty good candidate. Even more so when I walked passed him I looked at him and he had red eyes as if he was really high or had been crying and said “bye Kristin”. I ran home and never heard from him again. And in my early 20’s, I also had a creepilly possessive guy who sent postcards that would make Uma Thurman’s stalker look like Captain Kangaroo. All of those things don’t even compare to what it was like living in a relationship with a psychological predator. Verbal abuse is an elusive thing. It took me years to figure it out how it worked and to admit to myself that I was a victim. Pride can protect you and also keep you in a toxic situation. The abuser preys on that, and challenges you to endure more. I could write a lot about this subject, but for this post ill keep it short. Just know that in every situation listed here, I didn’t deserve any of it. (hows that for some personal info!)
I think that part of my blogging is a reaction to all of that. It is my way of saying that I am not going to live in fear. I didn’t know what blogging would be like when I first started. I thought it was just a place to write. But then I found that it connected me to some amazing people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. Yes, they are “internet friends”, but real people just the same. And I get all kinds of encouragement and support that I didn’t expect. More about why I love my blog here.
My daughter is am amazing writer. She started blogging but homework became the priority and she let it lag. Thats fine with me. She has recently come to me with a couple of story ideas and writing she has done just for fun outside of the required stuff in school. I want her to write freely. I don’t want her to feel she has to hold back and hope she will feel comfortable being a little vulnerable too. Weather you publish or make music for people to hear, or art for people to see, you put a little of yourself out there. And the best art is when it comes from you honestly. (um, I don’t think blogging is art btw) I have rules for her about using the computer (with the door open) and about what sites she can visit. It is only a matter of time that she says her restrictions on the internet and computer are stifling her creative expression. She needs to be safe first. My parenting tends to go on the side of explaining what is out there and how to deal with it, not just saying No (thanks Nancy Reagan for that piece of brilliance). But that doesn’t mean opening the door and creating the scenario for predators to come in. I haven’t talked to her much about the experiences I had mentioned above but we have an internet safety discussion coming and I will add it in if appropriate at the time. Someone once asked me if I thought it was good parenting to tell my daughter that I was in an abusive relationship. I thought a lot about this and the answer is that it is my job to teach my daughter. And I believe teaching her about negative relationships and about what abuse really is and using my experiences as an example is a good thing. Ruby is a mature and perceptive kid with an extraordinary memory. There is no fooling her and she deserves to be spoken to honestly. So my answer to the ignorant cow who asked me this question is “Yes”, I think it is really good parenting.
So, until I decide on changing my boundaries on this blog, it will stay as it is. The tattoo on my arm is of an owl and a rabbit. It signifies fear and the balance between not being fearless and having enough fear to protect you. And right now I am pretty happy with where I stand between the two.
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