secretary of sedentary

There is a tiny dot in the exact center of my TV screen. It is not in the pixels or a part of an image. It is what we have in this house when the new war game on X-Box called Call of Duty comes out. This dot allows Tom to aim his weapon of choice at a target before the site comes into focus. In real life, in war your vision would not have such a sticker, but this is not real life. This is you, sitting on the couch with a beer in a frosty mug, eating salty snacks and talking on the headphones to other men via the internet in your unit, who are doing the same thing. Rude and insulting comments are plentiful but so are references to people they work with, and the pause button used after one player says… “Dude, I gotta step out for a second, I have to go get a beer/take a piss/talk to my wife.” Many women in the US go through a few months of diverted attention and one word answers around this time of year: football season. But thankfully I live with a man who likes baseball. So this fall, instead of John Maddon’s voice booming over the sound effects of the visual graphics, it is the sound of gunshots, gruff commands and people dying with one of three canned death sounds. Most of the time it is all through Tom’s headphones as not to wake the kids thankfully.

There is a playback that shows you who shot you when you are killed multiple times. This is so that the player can learn from their mistakes, or be inspired to kill more. This new version is modeled after WWII, and the commercial for the game says “Like nothing you have ever seen before.” Yup, I thought… the boys to men (and all the grey area in between) that play this game have never seen WWII, and even if a player has or is presently involved in active duty, they have still never fought like they did in WWII, and won’t again.

Now Tom can be the most loving husband and caring father, give the gentlest of kisses and sing the most lovely falsetto emulating Morrissey in the shower. But he is after all, a man and whatever way you look at it, he still desires camaraderie of his friends and doing things that appeal mostly to men. Like blowing things up, war games, standing in freezing cold surf casting a fishing pole at night, giving people a great deal of good natured yet brutal shit and drinking beer and eating pickled and spicy or salty snacks. This is something that must be hardwired or maybe its just the testosterone. What do I know? But it does remind me that there are differences and make me think that a woman in charge of ending the war in Iraq, establishing relations with Russia, Afghanistan and Iran, among other giant peace keeping tasks in the world today… may be a really, really good idea. Hillary may have the most difficult job in front of her if she takes the position of Secretary of State. But it is an opportunity of a lifetime, and also in the lifetime of this nation to make a huge impact on history. And last I heard, the Clintons are not ones to shy away from opportunity and hard work.

It is not that I think a man would just walk into the position with a “kill em’ all” attitude. (You can buy a T-shirt that says “Kill em All and let God sort em out” at the Strategic Air and Space Museum in Nebraska if you are looking to do some early Christmas shopping). Many men are renowned for their mediation and diplomatic skills. Just look at the amazing things Martti Ashisaari has done in his lifetime (winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 2008). But maybe, just maybe we need a woman’s touch and I don’t mean candles and drapes and a splash of color. Maybe we need someone in there that has a different perspective and approach and if there is anything about her being a woman that may contribute positively to it, than fantastic. A colleague of Martti Ashisaar’s was asked why they thought he was so good at negotiations and mediation between two waring people. And it was said that he learned a lot about both cultures and their histories, and then showed each side a huge amount of respect for their culture and things that were important to them, so that each side going in to talk felt that Martti was on their side. Women are known to be good mediators because they have an ability to be better at feeling empathy and compassion. Maybe Martti, a square looking businessman type in his 70’s had a feminine side he didn’t even know he had. It is not that I think we need to feel empathy and compassion towards people, especially those guilty of terrorism and genocide. But I would like to think that a woman may have the ability to sit between each side, or meet with someone and command respect and at the same time be careful and calculated in her approach, yet bring to the table an understanding and respect for the negotiation process as well as an ability to look at the multiple levels a person or culture may have… emotionally, behaviorally, morally and what layers make up each one’s identity. And perhaps be successful in her ability to be convincing more than a man might. Maybe, maybe. It seems like a really good idea to me.

I don’t call myself a feminist at all. I do not advocate that women are better than men. I think of them capable of the same things but in different ways. And women better at some things, and men are better at some things. I am not just wanting Hillary to be SOS just because she is a woman either. I think she would be perfect for the job regardless of her gender. And honestly, as much as I secretly wanted her to wipe the floor with Sarah Palin in a debate. I was much more impressed that she did not take the bait of the media to point to sexism when discussing her.

Thankfully I don’t live in a relationship anymore that shames me for having emotions, or strong emotions. My perspective is always influenced by my emotions. They are inseparable. And having strong emotions does not make one “irrational”. It makes one honest and the emotional component of things has value. But it took me many years to learn this. Now I am not saying that I think we should have a SOS that says “fine then, be that way” and storms out of the room in tears. We need someone tough as nails. But someone tough also recognizes that strength is not found in suppressing one’s emotion, but feeling it and pressing on anyway. We shall see, I hope she takes the job.

So Tom and I for this season… the “its cold out and we are expecting a baby any day now season” have settled into our sedentary, hermit like habits (other than his winter surf fishing) and we have our stations of entertainment (TV, computer, books, x-box) to pull us through our days until the crocuses come up. So for Christmas, I am thinking that I may get Tom only “as seen on TV” gifts. The suction handle, roto tiller, a tub of oxy clean, a Life-Alert necklace, a chin-up bar and a Barak Obama commemorative plate. And hopefully he gets me something that keeps me occupied, like some knitting needles and yarn. I can look like one of those New Yorker women with their goofy knitted hats with the ear flaps and long caterpillar puffy coats buying cans of cat food at the grocery store. Single women with time on their hands and cats. Actually, with 3 other kids, time on my hands has not been something I often find myself with. Maybe I can get some of that. I am no Clinton, I am not in a pant suit up early in the morning go-getting. I am in a hormonal fog, nesting and moving furniture and trying to mentally prepare for an infant in my life again and feeling the stress of the expectations around the holidays vs. what I can actually do right now. Tom has been joking that for Christmas he is getting me a “get in shape after childbirth” trek in the Himalayas with some nice sherpas. Or season lift tickets to a ski slope in the Poconos. Yup, thats perfect. There will be hills and mountains involved in my near future however, but not like those pretty snow capped ones. I look forward to it. Its better than working off a $20 million campaign debt, thats for sure. Anyway, when not reviewing the labor progress, the countdown to the end of the Bush administration has me plenty occupied. Ill take a hot tea (an hour of world news, sugary snacks) and some fuzzy slippers in the meantime though.